Dear boys,

It must seem strange that I am writing you a letter instead of having a heart to heart with you. When you finish reading this you will hopefully understand the reason. First of all, I want you to know your mom and I love you both very much and we could not be prouder of you. We are not perfect parents, but we have done our best to help you make your way through these difficult growing-up years and prepare for the future.

There is so much I wish to share with you! I want to tell you what it feels  like to fall in love with the woman you will marry. I want you to know the indescribable joy I felt when both of you came into this world. The list of rich experiences and lessons is almost endless, but perhaps I will share some of them now and save the rest for future letters.

To keep it simple, here are eight things I want you to think about, pray over and hopefully remember for the rest of your lives:

Friendship: Be true to yourself and your friends. Hang out with people who share your values. Be a good enough friend to others that you always tell them the truth. This is the sign of a true friend. If your friends go down a path you know is wrong, stand your ground and do not follow. Trust me on this one – never abandon your faith or your values to follow the crowd. On the other hand, you will hopefully have a few close friends who stay with you a lifetime and they are to be treasured.

Values: Your mom and I have taught you the difference between right and wrong. Never lose touch with your values; they define who you are. Don’t be tempted to sacrifice your values for a little temporary comfort or pleasure. It is never, ever worth it.

Education: School isn’t always going to be fun. It wasn’t for us either. But, it is very important to have a quality education if you want to have good career options. Never be satisfied that you know enough. Become lifelong learners. Be insatiably curious about other people and life in general.

Work Ethic: Nothing in life is truly free. Work hard and you will be rewarded. Pay your dues and out-hustle everyone around you, never confuse some hustle as always being an illegal endeavor. No matter what you hear later in life, I promise you there is no easy path to riches and there is no substitute for hard work. 

Faith: God loves you, no matter what, never forget you were made for Heaven and not the world.

Love: You will meet lots and lots of girls in your lives. Treat them all with dignity and respect. Care more about their inner beauty than their outward appearance, cherish them the way I cherish and love your mother. You will know you are in love when your knees go soft, your stomach has butterflies and you can’t stop thinking about her as the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. 

Responsibility: You have heard your mom and I say this a million times: “You need to be more responsible!” Well, you do. Someone has to be responsible, why not you? If you are involved in an activity or project, act responsible and be a leader. If you make a mess, clean it up. If you say you will do something, do it. 

Be Real: Don’t ever pretend to be someone else. You are who God created you to be. Don’t be tempted to hide your true self, your faith or what you really think from others. 

I hope you read this and come to me and your mom with lots of questions. I promise we are here to help you. You are going to stumble and struggle at times in life, but always remember we are here for you and we love you. 

Boys, your mom and I want one more important thing for you. We want you to be happy. Really, truly happy! You know what? You can’t be truly happy unless you have joy. Do you know where joy comes from? Joy comes from putting Christ first in your lives and loving Him so much that everyone sees Him at work inside you. Then, you will have true joy which will make you really and truly happy.

From Son to Father, My Thoughts

Last night my dad came over to watch the "Battle of Ohio", for those that don't know it's an twice a season football game between the Cleveland Browns and the Cincinnati Bitch Kittens(or Bengals, whatever). 

He arrived just before the 8:30pm kick off time, I let him in through the garage and Asher lit up when he saw it was his Papa. There was laughter and running around the house in the excitement that only a child almost 2yrs old can sustain and enjoy. My dad likes to keep a straight face, but even that reaction brought a smile to his face as he entered the house.

The moment that caught me, made me feel human, made me want to give my son more and made me realize how much I loved my dad, my biggest fan and role model was a simple gesture from a giddy toddler to his Papa. As I was sitting on the couch with my Cleveland Browns blanket thrown over my legs, Asher ran into the Man Cave jumped on the couch with his own Cleveland Browns blanket in hand, sat next to Papa and covered both of them up so he could watch the TV with him.

It gave me a rush of emotions because I remember doing the same with my mom's father around his age, but I only got three years with him before he passed away. Now on the other hand I had years of experiences with my dad's father, we would set out on 5am all day fishing trips, he would come to my baseball games and I would go to his house with my parents and listen to him talk and share stories with my dad. That made me begin to realize that my parents are 60yrs old and I want to make sure he has every opportunity to know, remember and spend time with his grandparents. He simply giggles and runs to his Nana when he sees her(cause she babies him of course), she loves it because according to her he is "Nana's baby".

I have never once before thought of my parents age or mortality in this light until recently, I have friends my age that have sadly lost parents already. I understand that everyone has a "time" and when it comes then the "bell truly does toll for thee", I'm just not sure if I can cram enough memories into life for them or thank them enough for helping me become the man I am today.

From Me To You

Asher you will make it into adulthood where you will one day be searching for a Job, but don’t worry because your mother and I have made sure to name you something neutral because if your name sounds to “urban” or resume friendly, just so you have a chance. Oh and I have to make sure that you are always close cropped and clean shaven because you won’t look as trustworthy with an afro and beard. You will be forced to conform too and you will, but when you get there you won’t be given respect like most of your colleagues you will have to work twice as hard for even the smallest amount of respect. You will probably be one of only a few other black men and everyone will have underlying feelings that you are there not on your merit, but as a result of some “diversity movement” or because affirmative action said they needed to hire one more person that looks like you. Oh and please believe they will practice all of their “black jokes” around you and ask you all of their “black questions.” They will even make a derogatory statement about black people sometimes and then follow it up with “I’m not racist though because I have black friends.”  Yeah son I’m only telling you this because I’ve lived it; but wait, there is more. 

If you enter adulthood built anything like me, your journey will get even more dicey those days you decide to wear jeans and a hoodie. You will travel down the streets to see purses being clutched, children being shielded and people crossing streets to avoid the stigma that your skin tone and clothing carry.

I apologize to you now for being hard on you as you grow up, your mother and I refuse to allow you to be another statistic or to be worthless. You were brought into this world to be more than a conquerer even your name holds what you shall be a "blessing". This is my decree, you will grow into adult hood as a respectful, passionate, caring, loving and educated black man, this is not a want, a hope or a prayer from your mother and I. Too many people love you and we have worked too hard to set a poor example for you, the world can be your oyster but the road you travel will never be easy.

No one will hit you harder than life itself. It doesn't matter how you hit back. It's about how much you can take, and keep fighting, how much you can suffer and keep going forward. That's how you win.

Broken Down Car

I never really had fears before I got married, but after falling in love and saying "I do" the fear that came over me was the day that I would no longer be able to wake up to her smile. Then came Asher and the fear of not being around long enough to see him grow old.

Football was my love, my passion, my mistress in life. I played for a long time and collected some wonderful injuries along the way, I've torn both my patella tendons and every ligament in my knees except my ACL, I've picked up about 7-8 concussions, broken my knuckles, bruised my ribs, had high ankle sprains, been rendered temporarily paralyzed, dislocated and separated my shoulders but these were all things that I wore as badges of honor, I was a football player and these were the "spoils" of war.

In recent years while I wouldn't change anything that I have done in my life, I worry and I mean I worry a lot. I see former players taking their lives, not being able to walk, forgetting things and having horrible and violent thoughts. I don't really talk about it with Yaunna because she doesn't understand the fear that comes along with it, the fact that I had a CT scan a few years ago and all the doctor ask is "You've had a few concussions haven't you?" And my thought is "Holy shit, what does my brain look like?". Sometimes when I talk it turns into mindless auditory dribble for about 10 seconds because I can't seem to get the words out, my brain replaces letters in words at times, I don't always remember things the way I used to, my knees and shoulders always hurt and sometimes I just want to lay in the bed cause it feels better than having to get up and walk to face the world.

I'm passing a broken down car down to my son, it hurts when I think about the fact that he and I may never be able to run around a park together. He is the reason I second guess what I called fun only about 10 years ago, hindsight is truly 20/20 but would I give it all up for him knowing what I know now? It's not regret just a father wondering if he cheated his own son out of joy.

Things Change, Love Never Will

I used to have my own place in the house, my fortress of solitude so to speak. I tell you I had wonderful times in the Man Cave, laughing, playing video games and just letting life melt away around me. Now, now it's what can be referred to as the "Boob and Baby Cave", who would have thought I would sacrifice my Orange and Brown homage to my hometown Browns? I mean yes the color is still the same, but it's not the same at the same time. It frequently is littered with burp clothes, nipple shields, Boppy, empty baby bottles and lanolin.

I'm happy though, there aren't any silent moments enjoying a sporting event anymore, nope the Man Cave is filled instead with the cries of "I want food" or "Don't you smell that?", the one sided conversations that turn into outlandish stories that I have made up(fully equipped with different voices of course) all with the intent of making Asher smile and making sure he is stimulated. Only five weeks old and this kid has me making a fool out of myself on a regular to ensure he is happy.

Everything in the Man Cave will be destroyed when he becomes mobile, my statue of Kratos, model car, Avenger bobble heads, mini helmets all will become funeral pyre for the man I used to be. I can't wait for those moments though.

The things I would sacrifice today, aren't the same as what I would have sacrificed 5 weeks ago. It seems like you develop a second heart when you finally have a child of your own, I still love my wife more than I did when we first met, more than when she said "Yes" and even more than I did this morning. Something has changed or my heart is larger than what I had ever imagined, my cup never seems to get full so I know it will never overflow, which means I will never have to forget a memory, take a side or cut someone out of my life for my love to continue to grow. They each have their home there, side-by-side holding hands in a place that few will never tread.

I would give up everything I own even my own life to make sure that he is provided for, will grow up an intelligent, kind and caring man and to make sure he knows his own level of self worth, because he was placed here for a reason. Yeah I would sacrifice it all in a heart beat to make sure he and Yaunna are always okay.

Give Me The Sight To Continue To Be His Role Model

He has me wrapped around his long little fingers, but I that's what happens when you are face to face with a little version of you. He has my face, his moms "love" of having to wake up, my temper(Oh God!), mommy's nose, my foot and hand size and both of our determination rolled into one little body.

I find myself sitting up with him as early as 5am, I sit him in his hoppy so that he can sit up and see me and we talk. We talk about what happened before he was born, we have planned a trip to Cleveland in 2016 with his Papa to see his first ever Browns game, we talk about what his plans are as he gets old, the fact that his right hand taste better than the left one and we make up songs and stories.

Yeah I must say if you truly know me then my behavior around my son is completely normal, if you don't know me that well then it appears that Asher has me completely out of character. We sang mommy a song while she was in the shower, we attacked the dog and rubbed our feet on her belly just to make her growl a little. Our greatest accomplishment to date is our breakfast song we made up and rapped to mommy this morning it went like this "I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to boast but how would you like some butter for your breakfast toast. We got fresh bacon and I made some OJ, a tasty breakfast is the way to start up your day". We aren't too sure if she was impressed or if she was just in awe as usual(she does have two handsome men in her life now)

This will only get worse as he gets older and we can do more things together, it's crazy how much a child will make you change your daily outlook on life. I want to make sure that I continue to be his one and only role model in life. The only care in the world for me is the safety of my wife and son, there is nothing and I mean nothing that can steal my joy. My heart explodes with love, happiness and joy when I hold him.

It Started Way Back When

The path to me becoming the man and the father I am started a long time ago. I can remember being at home in Newberry, OH with my dad listening to The Parliament turned way up on the turntable singing "If you hear any noise, it's just me and the boys, hit me(groovin), you gotta hit the band".

I learned from the best if you ask me, he taught me that it was okay to cry if you were in pain, how to be humble in the presence of others, how to be kind and what common courtesies were when with a woman. While talking to my mother, she was actually the first woman he showed me how to treat, always open the door for her, never let her walk on the outside facing the street and most importantly always treat the ladies in your life the way you would want your mother and sister treated.

I had so many fears the closer we got the Asher being born, what if I couldn't do even half the job my father did on me of installing a foundation of a great man? I knew the things that I held dear, the moments I shared with my dad and I want to duplicate those moments for Asher and I. I want to see him smile as I watch him play in the yard, laugh together as I tell him he cheats at playing G.I Joe, teach him to ride a bike and teach him to be kind.

Most of my fears seemingly melted away the moment I saw his little frowning face, emotions came over me but there were entirely too many at once. They simply manifested themselves as a crooked little smile as I realized that I was now a father, responsible for cultivating his common courtesies and teaching him to be a better man than I will ever be.

My moment of clarity came just a few days ago, as Yaunna got ready I was responsible for getting him calmed down. I turned to what I know best because I have so many memories of doing the same with my father. I turn on some music and we begin to jam, he settles down and looks at me as I sing to him, BAM like a well placed sniper shot it hits me all at once. I take him to Yaunna and I was just a crying mess, I'm now able to do what my dad did with me growing up and it feels good.

He was a blessing a long time coming for us and I can't imagine my life without him. We are going to disagree, but still agree to love each other, I will be the worst dad ever in his eyes at some point, but he will realize that I did everything for him. I may not be the father that every child needs, but for Asher I am going to be the greatest of all time.