From Me To You

Asher you will make it into adulthood where you will one day be searching for a Job, but don’t worry because your mother and I have made sure to name you something neutral because if your name sounds to “urban” or resume friendly, just so you have a chance. Oh and I have to make sure that you are always close cropped and clean shaven because you won’t look as trustworthy with an afro and beard. You will be forced to conform too and you will, but when you get there you won’t be given respect like most of your colleagues you will have to work twice as hard for even the smallest amount of respect. You will probably be one of only a few other black men and everyone will have underlying feelings that you are there not on your merit, but as a result of some “diversity movement” or because affirmative action said they needed to hire one more person that looks like you. Oh and please believe they will practice all of their “black jokes” around you and ask you all of their “black questions.” They will even make a derogatory statement about black people sometimes and then follow it up with “I’m not racist though because I have black friends.”  Yeah son I’m only telling you this because I’ve lived it; but wait, there is more. 

If you enter adulthood built anything like me, your journey will get even more dicey those days you decide to wear jeans and a hoodie. You will travel down the streets to see purses being clutched, children being shielded and people crossing streets to avoid the stigma that your skin tone and clothing carry.

I apologize to you now for being hard on you as you grow up, your mother and I refuse to allow you to be another statistic or to be worthless. You were brought into this world to be more than a conquerer even your name holds what you shall be a "blessing". This is my decree, you will grow into adult hood as a respectful, passionate, caring, loving and educated black man, this is not a want, a hope or a prayer from your mother and I. Too many people love you and we have worked too hard to set a poor example for you, the world can be your oyster but the road you travel will never be easy.

No one will hit you harder than life itself. It doesn't matter how you hit back. It's about how much you can take, and keep fighting, how much you can suffer and keep going forward. That's how you win.

Broken Down Car

I never really had fears before I got married, but after falling in love and saying "I do" the fear that came over me was the day that I would no longer be able to wake up to her smile. Then came Asher and the fear of not being around long enough to see him grow old.

Football was my love, my passion, my mistress in life. I played for a long time and collected some wonderful injuries along the way, I've torn both my patella tendons and every ligament in my knees except my ACL, I've picked up about 7-8 concussions, broken my knuckles, bruised my ribs, had high ankle sprains, been rendered temporarily paralyzed, dislocated and separated my shoulders but these were all things that I wore as badges of honor, I was a football player and these were the "spoils" of war.

In recent years while I wouldn't change anything that I have done in my life, I worry and I mean I worry a lot. I see former players taking their lives, not being able to walk, forgetting things and having horrible and violent thoughts. I don't really talk about it with Yaunna because she doesn't understand the fear that comes along with it, the fact that I had a CT scan a few years ago and all the doctor ask is "You've had a few concussions haven't you?" And my thought is "Holy shit, what does my brain look like?". Sometimes when I talk it turns into mindless auditory dribble for about 10 seconds because I can't seem to get the words out, my brain replaces letters in words at times, I don't always remember things the way I used to, my knees and shoulders always hurt and sometimes I just want to lay in the bed cause it feels better than having to get up and walk to face the world.

I'm passing a broken down car down to my son, it hurts when I think about the fact that he and I may never be able to run around a park together. He is the reason I second guess what I called fun only about 10 years ago, hindsight is truly 20/20 but would I give it all up for him knowing what I know now? It's not regret just a father wondering if he cheated his own son out of joy.

Things Change, Love Never Will

I used to have my own place in the house, my fortress of solitude so to speak. I tell you I had wonderful times in the Man Cave, laughing, playing video games and just letting life melt away around me. Now, now it's what can be referred to as the "Boob and Baby Cave", who would have thought I would sacrifice my Orange and Brown homage to my hometown Browns? I mean yes the color is still the same, but it's not the same at the same time. It frequently is littered with burp clothes, nipple shields, Boppy, empty baby bottles and lanolin.

I'm happy though, there aren't any silent moments enjoying a sporting event anymore, nope the Man Cave is filled instead with the cries of "I want food" or "Don't you smell that?", the one sided conversations that turn into outlandish stories that I have made up(fully equipped with different voices of course) all with the intent of making Asher smile and making sure he is stimulated. Only five weeks old and this kid has me making a fool out of myself on a regular to ensure he is happy.

Everything in the Man Cave will be destroyed when he becomes mobile, my statue of Kratos, model car, Avenger bobble heads, mini helmets all will become funeral pyre for the man I used to be. I can't wait for those moments though.

The things I would sacrifice today, aren't the same as what I would have sacrificed 5 weeks ago. It seems like you develop a second heart when you finally have a child of your own, I still love my wife more than I did when we first met, more than when she said "Yes" and even more than I did this morning. Something has changed or my heart is larger than what I had ever imagined, my cup never seems to get full so I know it will never overflow, which means I will never have to forget a memory, take a side or cut someone out of my life for my love to continue to grow. They each have their home there, side-by-side holding hands in a place that few will never tread.

I would give up everything I own even my own life to make sure that he is provided for, will grow up an intelligent, kind and caring man and to make sure he knows his own level of self worth, because he was placed here for a reason. Yeah I would sacrifice it all in a heart beat to make sure he and Yaunna are always okay.

Give Me The Sight To Continue To Be His Role Model

He has me wrapped around his long little fingers, but I that's what happens when you are face to face with a little version of you. He has my face, his moms "love" of having to wake up, my temper(Oh God!), mommy's nose, my foot and hand size and both of our determination rolled into one little body.

I find myself sitting up with him as early as 5am, I sit him in his hoppy so that he can sit up and see me and we talk. We talk about what happened before he was born, we have planned a trip to Cleveland in 2016 with his Papa to see his first ever Browns game, we talk about what his plans are as he gets old, the fact that his right hand taste better than the left one and we make up songs and stories.

Yeah I must say if you truly know me then my behavior around my son is completely normal, if you don't know me that well then it appears that Asher has me completely out of character. We sang mommy a song while she was in the shower, we attacked the dog and rubbed our feet on her belly just to make her growl a little. Our greatest accomplishment to date is our breakfast song we made up and rapped to mommy this morning it went like this "I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to boast but how would you like some butter for your breakfast toast. We got fresh bacon and I made some OJ, a tasty breakfast is the way to start up your day". We aren't too sure if she was impressed or if she was just in awe as usual(she does have two handsome men in her life now)

This will only get worse as he gets older and we can do more things together, it's crazy how much a child will make you change your daily outlook on life. I want to make sure that I continue to be his one and only role model in life. The only care in the world for me is the safety of my wife and son, there is nothing and I mean nothing that can steal my joy. My heart explodes with love, happiness and joy when I hold him.

It Started Way Back When

The path to me becoming the man and the father I am started a long time ago. I can remember being at home in Newberry, OH with my dad listening to The Parliament turned way up on the turntable singing "If you hear any noise, it's just me and the boys, hit me(groovin), you gotta hit the band".

I learned from the best if you ask me, he taught me that it was okay to cry if you were in pain, how to be humble in the presence of others, how to be kind and what common courtesies were when with a woman. While talking to my mother, she was actually the first woman he showed me how to treat, always open the door for her, never let her walk on the outside facing the street and most importantly always treat the ladies in your life the way you would want your mother and sister treated.

I had so many fears the closer we got the Asher being born, what if I couldn't do even half the job my father did on me of installing a foundation of a great man? I knew the things that I held dear, the moments I shared with my dad and I want to duplicate those moments for Asher and I. I want to see him smile as I watch him play in the yard, laugh together as I tell him he cheats at playing G.I Joe, teach him to ride a bike and teach him to be kind.

Most of my fears seemingly melted away the moment I saw his little frowning face, emotions came over me but there were entirely too many at once. They simply manifested themselves as a crooked little smile as I realized that I was now a father, responsible for cultivating his common courtesies and teaching him to be a better man than I will ever be.

My moment of clarity came just a few days ago, as Yaunna got ready I was responsible for getting him calmed down. I turned to what I know best because I have so many memories of doing the same with my father. I turn on some music and we begin to jam, he settles down and looks at me as I sing to him, BAM like a well placed sniper shot it hits me all at once. I take him to Yaunna and I was just a crying mess, I'm now able to do what my dad did with me growing up and it feels good.

He was a blessing a long time coming for us and I can't imagine my life without him. We are going to disagree, but still agree to love each other, I will be the worst dad ever in his eyes at some point, but he will realize that I did everything for him. I may not be the father that every child needs, but for Asher I am going to be the greatest of all time.

The Day The Earth Stood Still........At Least My World Anyways

3/6/13:
I tried to sleep, got in the bed at midnight and was still up at 2:15am, just thinking and wondering, making sure my prayers were said and all bags were packed. The alarm goes off at 4:30am and my heart begins to race, thoughts are in disarray and stomach is doing the samba because of nerves.

I get the dog fed and let her outside, make sure Yaunna is up and in good spirits and remind her "this is what we have waited for, I love you more now than I did ten minutes ago and both you and Asher will be fine". I lay my hands on my wife's stomach and pray for her and Asher again, nothing can go wrong today, this is blessing and everything will be great.

We get to MUSC only to find out their computers are down and the admissions coordinator has to do everything by hand, Yaunna and I laugh it off because we knew everything couldn't have gone smoothly.

We walk towards the "E" elevator, resembling a pack animal, I have a bag for Yaunna, a bag for Asher, my carrier bag and admissions paperwork all tucked away on my 6'6" frame. We arrive at L&D and see so many smiling faces(there should be smiling faces since we know most of them by name after a week of false alarms). Yaunna is shown to her room and my heart starts to palpitate, this is getting more and more real by the minute.

She has to wait to be taken to the OR since someone came in the night before and her bag of waters had broken, we look at one another and laugh again. It's not a huge hurdle, just a pause in meeting our son. If we have waited 37wk 6days then another hour I'm sure we can handle.

They come in and give me the tiniest scrubs they could find so of course that provided a lot of laughter for Yaunna and I, especially since I start singing "Fat Guy in a Little Coat". Her parents arrive soon after, they are late but we all know who's fault that is....

They step into the room rolling 4 deep, looking like a blue scrubs mafia of sorts. Holy crap it's show time, they tell Yaunna about the spinal and my heart drops. She looks at me and gives me a nervous smile, I kiss her on the forehead and tell her she will do great, I will see her in a few and to not have Asher without me.

They wheel her away and the longest 15 minutes of my life follow, I'm pacing the floor of the room, clapping my hands and breathing heavy. My mind is racing because why would they take my wife away from me, she needs me to be there, I promised I would be there telling her how awesome she is. More time passes and Peachie looks at me to ask "What's wrong Bo?" I reply "the love of my life is going at something special alone, I need to see her" she decides to tell me that she is nervous as well. In that instance, I could care less how she felt because right now she isn't your daughter she is my wife, my love, the mother of our son, my light, my heart, she is everything to me.

They come back in the room to get me, I put on my mask and take the longest 20 yard walk of my life. They bring me into the OR and I see her, laying their with her teeth chattering, all I can muster is a smile and to tell her "Hey beautiful" she smiles in return and they start the process of brining Asher into the world.

I simply sit next to Yaunna's head, rubbing her forehead and telling her that she is doing a great job, they are working quickly and I tell her to ignore them and pay attention to me. 10:10am and the tech ask "Do I clock it now?" Doctor Fylstra replies "No we are just making the incision into the uterus". I smile at Yaunna and tell her she is great and Asher will be here in a moment. The moment of truth arrives 10:11am we both zone out cause we have to hear that first cry, that first breath and we know all is well, he lets out a giant yell and Yaunna cries, I kiss her and tell her "Great job mommy" the doctor holds him up and says "Here is your, well not so little baby boy"

It was all worth the wait, my little superhero is here. He can cry and wiggle and he just melted my heart. I don't even know him yet but I would sacrifice everything in the world for him. I'm no longer just LaTell son, brother, husband and friend, I now have the greatest title on earth FATHER.

Woman! Where Is My Super Suit?

Well let me tell you, when I found out I was going to be a dad, my heart swelled with joy and I envisioned me flying over the city with my chiseled chin, abs of steal, flawless smile and locs flapping in the wind.

Yeah that is far from the truth, instead I'm more like a baggy of warm pudding walking slowly trying to find a way to pee while holding a grumpy newborn(haven't figured that out yet still). I mean yes I still have my superhero delusions from time to time, I'm just a different kind of superhero. I can't leap a building, outrun a bullet, see through steel or even have super breath. Instead I can ear poop from 3 rooms away, can change a diaper in 6 seconds flat, make a hell of a breakfast, lunch or dinner, soothe a crying baby all while playing God of War and playing fetch with the dog.

Yeah I may not get the publicity of a Will Smith, Barack Obama or some other famous dads, but I don't need it. I'm my own type of dad and husband, I'm super in my own right (walking around bobbing my head a la Richard Pryor saying "Yeah we bad, mmm hmmm"), my wife knows she can count on me for anything and my son knows the same. I got my kudos from the man that taught me to be a man, nothing feels better than my own father, my first and only role model to tell me "I'm proud of you and you are doing a great job". Oh yeah if I was the crying type I may a shed a tear, but we all know crying makes your insides moldy and smell like mildew.

Yeah so what I traded my washboard stomach, flawless smile and cape for a brand new outfit that consist of a keg stomach, wife beater and bags under my eyes. I dare you to tell me I'm not a superhero in my own right or tell my wife and son I'm not the superhero they always read about in comics.

So to the naysayers I yell "Up, up and away!!" as I slowly get off the couch from a two hour sleep interval to comfort my son and assure my wife we are the greatest superhero tandem every created.

What's your super power?

A First Time Dad's Wacky Thoughts

Let me just throw it out there and say that if taken seriously when you find out that you are about to become a parent the entire world changes around you and not always for the better.

I know, I know, you are probably thinking who in the hell says their life doesn't change for the better after finding out such wonderful news? Me that's who well sort of, I mean it was awesome from the moment I found out from my wife I was going to be a dad. Then the crazy thoughts started coming through which for anyone that knows me knew it was bound to happen since I over think EVERYTHING!

I immediately start thinking, "holy hell kids cost money, do I need to get a job as a gigolo?" Cause no way in hell was I going out like Rod Stewart(look up the infamous stomach pumping incident). I mean a pack of diapers is pretty much the cost of the national deficit not to mention all this kid will do for the next almost 2yrs is crap it's pants giggle and then mommy or I clean it up.

So financials out of the way I begin to think about having sex as normal with my wife, what if I some how give this kid brain damage cause I'm going straight "Dirk Diggler" without a care in the world and BAM!!! Next thing I know I just given the kid an additional soft spot to try and cope with and let's be honest no one wants their kid to be slow like George Bush, "I will fight the war on terror even if we have to speak Mexican" really dude? Sadly I digress but seriously I don't want to traumatize my unborn child. And get this a friend convinced his wife to swallow during pregnancy to avoid pre-eclampsia, of course my mind lights up with glee and then I think about it "whatever my wife eats my kid eats O_o" needless to say my mind goes of the deep end and all I can envision is a baby being force fed jizz and I'm not a catholic priest so not an appealing thought at all.

Last set of crazy thoughts evolved having a daughter I literally had it played out in my head as to how I would set up her first boyfriend and possibly pistol whip him or make him hold a conversation with a .45 in his mouth(I told you before, not wired right). At least with a little boy I know it's clear cut, you will be an awesome kid till you turn 12-13 and from that point to the age of 18 you will become the biggest know it all asshole on the planet. By that time I will have honed my "old man strength" and will pretty much stump the deepest mud hole possible into the center of your ass. As the Rock put it "It doesn't matter what you think, you candy ass rudy poo Jabroni"

Yeah this is a collection of crazy ass thoughts with many more to come, next story on deck "Mr. Turd's Wild Ride"