A First Time Dad's Wacky Thoughts

Let me just throw it out there and say that if taken seriously when you find out that you are about to become a parent the entire world changes around you and not always for the better.

I know, I know, you are probably thinking who in the hell says their life doesn't change for the better after finding out such wonderful news? Me that's who well sort of, I mean it was awesome from the moment I found out from my wife I was going to be a dad. Then the crazy thoughts started coming through which for anyone that knows me knew it was bound to happen since I over think EVERYTHING!

I immediately start thinking, "holy hell kids cost money, do I need to get a job as a gigolo?" Cause no way in hell was I going out like Rod Stewart(look up the infamous stomach pumping incident). I mean a pack of diapers is pretty much the cost of the national deficit not to mention all this kid will do for the next almost 2yrs is crap it's pants giggle and then mommy or I clean it up.

So financials out of the way I begin to think about having sex as normal with my wife, what if I some how give this kid brain damage cause I'm going straight "Dirk Diggler" without a care in the world and BAM!!! Next thing I know I just given the kid an additional soft spot to try and cope with and let's be honest no one wants their kid to be slow like George Bush, "I will fight the war on terror even if we have to speak Mexican" really dude? Sadly I digress but seriously I don't want to traumatize my unborn child. And get this a friend convinced his wife to swallow during pregnancy to avoid pre-eclampsia, of course my mind lights up with glee and then I think about it "whatever my wife eats my kid eats O_o" needless to say my mind goes of the deep end and all I can envision is a baby being force fed jizz and I'm not a catholic priest so not an appealing thought at all.

Last set of crazy thoughts evolved having a daughter I literally had it played out in my head as to how I would set up her first boyfriend and possibly pistol whip him or make him hold a conversation with a .45 in his mouth(I told you before, not wired right). At least with a little boy I know it's clear cut, you will be an awesome kid till you turn 12-13 and from that point to the age of 18 you will become the biggest know it all asshole on the planet. By that time I will have honed my "old man strength" and will pretty much stump the deepest mud hole possible into the center of your ass. As the Rock put it "It doesn't matter what you think, you candy ass rudy poo Jabroni"

Yeah this is a collection of crazy ass thoughts with many more to come, next story on deck "Mr. Turd's Wild Ride"